Can a VW Bus break your heart?

Yes, yes it can...

I'm one pound heavier today, which is shocking because I found myself "Stress Eating" this week, I expected much more.  Living with all of these horrible symptoms daily, waiting for my consultation appointment for major surgery, while working at a wild biotech start-up that is growing fast - which means I wear many hats and I'm lucky if I eat at all most days.  I love my job, it is exciting and I work with really smart fun people.  My days fly by and it keeps me distracted from feeling like such crap, as I do right now with these girly parts in protest.

I focus on the positive and fun things 

to get me through the hard times.

Until even those fun positive things end up stressful and disappointing too. Tuesday night, my VW Bus broke down on the freeway entrance of 101 south during rush hour traffic.  I was taking it to Ken Hicks house to have him begin stripping the interior to begin the interior restoration.  It just died, no warning lights, nothing.  It acted like a generator belt broke.  I just got it back 3 weeks ago and have hardly driven it.  It's a weekend vehicle mostly, that will soon become a show car.  (Well that's the plan : )

I towed it to Tassi VW in Colma and these guys said the engine was seized and that I should take it back to the guy who just rebuilt the motor 3 weeks ago.  Here we fucking go again.  On Wednesday, AAA towed it back up to Sacramento for Jeff at Chet & Cliff's VW Garage to figure out what went wrong.  Most likely a faulty part again.  Old bus, old parts - this shit happens.  Jeff is awesome and will figure it out. Seriously at this point, I am afraid to drive the bus. Too many scary times stranded alone on the side of a road, way too many years.

I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship and my baby and I just had another huge fight and he just checked himself  into rehab, again.  He keeps making promises and breaking them and my heart, over and over.  All my friends tell me I should quit him, but I love him so much - and I have invested so much money and time, I want to give him one more try and work it out.  He's so sexy, so much fun and we have been together for 13 years now.  So many great times together.  So much fun to drive, when he runs!

Waiting for the tow truck to take it back
to the mechanic who rebuilt the engine 3 weeks ago.

That said, I am preparing an exit plan sooner than originally planned.  I'll fix it up nice, take it to a few car shows and then sell it with the hopes of breaking even on my total investment. Which I think I can, next year.

I am shopping for a nice travel trailer as the next project.  Want to see something awesome?  Check this out!  I will need a new truck to tow this giant thing.  DREAM BIG!  I even have been looking for land to park it on in Half Moon Bay and Pescadero.  This one is so nice, I could live in it.  I really have a soft spot in my heart for the Vintage Spartan Manor & Spartanette Trailers. I would need to live someplace with a big enough yard to park one and restore it there.

I will most likely start with a smaller vintage travel trailer that I can tow with my Honda 4 wheel drive Passport. Probably something vintage with a kitchen and a bathroom. I'll keep my Boomerang Bar and stick with the Leopard Ultra Lounge Tiki theme.  We will see.  It's good to know what you want.  I want to be able to take off to some beautiful place on the weekends and play music by the camp fire with silly, fun, talented people, in style and comfort until my dying day.

You may find me sitting somewhere in a dark corner at a live poetry slam or jazz set this weekend alone hopefully becoming invisible, but able to drink in beauty and hope from the San Francisco lights.  I'm hurting, but not giving up.  I need to get back on track with my eating and exercise, just in too much pain this week on many levels.  I'm really glad it's Friday.

I hope you all have a great weekend.  I'm spending mine most likely in bed and keep practicing "Getting out of body" so I can astral travel.

Angry uterus must leave the premises...

I don't have Cancer, but I do need a hysterectomy...

The tumor they found in my uterus is benign, Yay!  But they got to take it out of there and with the nightmare of problems I have been experiencing, they are giving me a hysterectomy. I need to decide whether I should keep my ovaries or not. There are pros and cons to keeping them.  I just want this nightmare over with.  My family does not have a history of Cancer, but my little brother had Melanoma removed twice from his back in the last 10 years.  So I think it may be wiser to have them removed.

I did not get on the scale.  I do not even want to look at that thing this week.  I feel bloated, achy, basically crappy - but glad I don't have Cancer.  That news would have ruined my day for sure.   I have not been doing KETO this week.  I am grateful for my tiny tummy.  If I didn't have this tool in place, I am sure I would be over eating like crazy right now.  I have been having a very rough time physically.  So much pain, cramping, extreme flooding - not good. Seriously fucked up.

I have been eating chocolate in moments of emotional hormonal challenged emergencies - which has been often this week.  They put me on birth control to help regulate this until I get into surgery, but after the second day I started getting nauseated and light headed.  I woke up feeling bloated, fat and green around the gills - I can't take the birth control. All I do is get up, go to work and go home straight back to bed.

I feel just like this.

I get out for short fun stuff on the weekends and I have great friends who are there for me if I really need help, so I'm okay.  I share a big beautiful house with a bunch of silly girls.  They keep me company and cheer me up when needed.  I have been singing the blues.  I can't even begin to think about starting a new jazz music project until these health issues are resolved.  I can lay in bed and write songs about the wrath of the female anatomy.

My surgery consultation is on August 17th. Laparoscopic/Robotic kind.  They say recovery time isn't too bad.  I can work from home while I heal up.  This will force my body into menopause and I will need to go on hormone replacement therapy.  I hope this will improve the quality of my life.

It's time to say our goodbyes.

Meanwhile, Ken Hicks starts the custom wood interior restoration on my 1973 T2 VW Bus this week.  I am so excited.

My VW Bus and I are both 
getting our interior redone!

No freaking out till it's freak out time....

No weight loss this week.  I'm still waiting for the biopsy results.  Whether the tumor is cancerous or not, I most likely will need a hysterectomy. I am okay with this.  We will find out the results hopefully tomorrow.

A sweet friend gave me a sticker last weekend, and she had no idea that I was waiting to find out news of whether I have cancer or not.

So very appropriate! Thanks Lori Stein!

Until it is freak out time, I am pleasantly distracted by my VW Bus restoration project right now.  So happy to finally bring her to her first art car show in 8 years this weekend.

My 1973 T2 Leopard Lair Ultra Lounge VW Bus!

Our amazing Art Cars!

Great Friends I haven't seen in awhile Harrod Blank & Rick McKinney especially.

I lost 1 more inch and 2 lbs.!

I must say, the Ketonix meter has helped me a lot.  I have become kooky about making sure I am on track because I need to get the scale moving as much as the inches.  Yet at the same time, I don't want to freak myself out and feel deprived.

I was eating more carbs than I thought I was before.  I think this is why I have not really lost that many pounds in the last 4 months. Testing how far in ketosis I am is giving me reassurance that I am on track.   I am happy that I am not losing the weight too fast also.  I don't want the excess skin you see many WLS peeps have.  I do not have that.  Once I am at my goal, I will get my taters lifted and maybe a small tummy tuck, but we will see. 

It's a huge week for me. I found out the results of my ultrasound today, not great. They found a something unusual in my uterus and are taking a biopsy of it on Monday. I am nervous, but my intuition says I am okay. We will find out soon. Meanwhile, focus on what I do have control of and what I am grateful for.

The great news is that I finally got my baby back!  SHE'S HOME AND RUNNING BETTER THAN EVER!

Look at how faded she got sitting in the sun for 3 years!  

Now for the fun part, the glamorous restoration! 

For updates on the progress go to:

The Leopard Lair

12th Anniversary & Artistic Restoration Project

My Shagalicious 1973 Type 2 VW Transporterrr

Have a great weekend!

I gained a pound this week, but it probably should have been more.  I did not even attempt to do strict Keto this week.  Some days it's easy to just eat according to plan, which for me is Protein first, Vegetables second and carbs last, but I ate more than 30 carbs a day for sure. I can't get enough blueberries, pineapple and raspberries - it's summer and I am diggin the fresh fruit big time.  I have been really stressed out this week.

When I feel stressed, I reach for refined sugar and Stevia or Splenda just don't cut it in times like these. I started to obsess about donuts and finally just went a ate them. First one in over a year.  This was most certainly an emotional eating moment. I now remember why I don't eat them.  I know myself well enough.  It's the Dopamine and the rush from the sugar I crave.  A temporary high, and then the crash.  I feel icky afterwards.  I think refined sugar and enriched white flour may be more addictive than cocaine, it's certainly cheaper.   I ate sugar early in the week and went back to eating according to plan.

I tested my Ketone levels this morning and I am in very low Ketosis " Yellow", which is better than "Blue" on my Ketonix meter.  So I am not too far off.  I want to stay in the "Red" zone.

I do have to say, I feel much better when I eat low carb and when my insulin levels are low.  I have more mental clarity and feel more grounded, but I have moments of temporary fixes every once in awhile, and they help remind me that they are bad choices. It was a stressful but productive week personally from a health perceptive.  I have been suffering from uterine fibroids and I am finally getting some help from a specialist.  They are doing another ultrasound to see if I also have endometriosis going on.  Let's hope the fuck not. We won't know until next week.  My symptoms and pain sure feel like it.  

I will need surgery, either taking out the fibroids or the whole uterus with a laparoscopic hysterectomy.  I guess for those of us who have never been pregnant, the symptoms are worse they say.  My friends can tell you, for years I have spent much of my time with peri-menopausal nightmare symptoms and in bed in pain.  This is why I study and write as much as I do.  I try to make the most of my time, even when I am what seems to be, 'Bleeding to death.'  I am so glad to finally get someone who will help me resolve this girly parts nightmare.

Cute guys keep asking me out on dates, and I am just saying no right now.  My heart is eager, my pussy is excited, but my uterus is angry and kicking my ass.  Peri-menopause is a serious buzz kill with the hot flashes whenever I drink coffee or alcohol.  My sex drive is still intact and working, but I sure don't feel romantic or sexy when the crazy flop night sweats come on.  The mood swings are just stupid ridiculous.  You are fine, but for no reason at all, you feel like crying. And seriously, it's not some repressed bullshit, it's just hormone imbalance hell.  I am doing these sweet men a favor.  I'll get surgery and start some safe form of Hormone Replacement Therapy and I'll probably be closer to my size 8 and feeling better. Then I'll consider romance.  One step at a time.

I figure I have at least 25 years more before this meat suit starts to really wear out.  It's all about the quality of life everyday.  So taking care of these problems once and for all may just help give me a new lease on life.  I have Kaiser and so far, they have been fantastic with preventative and specialized care.  

Being lighter on my feet, has really helped my back and neck pain. My blood pressure is in the normal range.  I feel more beautiful and happy, so my heart and spirit are stronger these days.  I can honestly say, I am no longer feeling depression. For someone who lived her whole life being sad a hell, I am in a good place right now.

If you are depressed, are at least a 100 pounds overweight and are getting older, I would seriously recommend VSG surgery as a great way to make a change in your health.  You will still have the emotional eating and will need to learn new ways for comforting yourself and "Self-care", but having a tiny tummy is kind of like having an insurance policy.  It sure makes it easier.  I am over a year Post Op VSG now.  I do get hungry, but it is NOTHING like it used to be.  If you are struggling health wise and suffering a downward spiral, this is a great way to turn your life around.

I will get to my weight loss goal, but I am accomplishing many emotional awareness and other health goals at the same time. 

It's a lifestyle change.

Trust yourself and in your process. 

HAVE A FABULOUS

HOLIDAY WEEKEND EVERYONE!

I'll be drinking tequila!