Spiritual Crisis & Comforting with food

Here is the part of life after WLS where it gets real and difficult.  I gained 2 pounds since last week, but feel leaner all over.  It’s so weird and frustrating.  My knee is really bothering me again, so the treadmill has been less.  I am almost 11 months VSG Post-Op and here is where the old habits that got me here come back into play in my life.  I struggle with two things.

1. When I am stressed, sad, lonely, angry, happy and celebrating or in need of TLC, I turn to food.  Food has always been there for me.  I love it and need it to survive.  My choices are what get me into trouble.  I have a tiny tummy, so I can’t eat much, but I am aware of my dependence on some foods that give me the feeling of home or love.  This is how I got so heavy in the first place.

2. Sugar is a drug that makes me feel awesome, but when I come down after eating it, my body begins to crave it and I feel out of control. Milk Chocolate in particular and any natural juice, sweet drinks like Orange juice, Cranberry, I could drink Fructose like its water.  I love the stuff.  Any type of sugar is like Crack for me.  I don’t over eat it, but when I do eat it, I feel way too good.  That sort of scares me.  How can something have so much power over me?  I feel like I need help with this.  If I don’t ever eat it, I go crazy feeling deprived.  When I do eat it, I can’t wait for the next time I can.  Sounds like addiction.  I need to find balance somehow.

      These are the two blocks to my weight loss success.  The other issue is, that after a lifetime of dieting, when I feel deprived of something or like I am on a diet, I freak out emotionally.  This is why the only successful eating regime that has worked for me is Low Carb High Fat so far.  I do feel great eating this way, I am not hungry, but I do crave sugar.  It’s like my Kryptonite.

     I am buying every book and have signed up for every WLS support group I can find to get some support.  I even have reached out for a Therapist, I have a couple in mind that specialize in WLS.  It's time to get some support.  Overall, I am actually doing great.  My problem is, I just keep wanting to find meaning in life.  THAT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.  

I have been doing new things to comfort myself instead of food.  I also have been taking time to quiet the mind and meditate lately.  I feel like I am having a sort of spiritual crisis inside.  In my long search for the meaning and purpose of life, the only real Truth I have discovered is one thing.

What is Truth?  Is it true that All there is – IS Being?  I am the electric vibrating frequency of consciousness that creates endless novelty of expression.  Thinking is most certainly the obstacle to being present.  The Ego self is like a voice that never shuts up, always asking WHY?  It’s exhausting.  Meditating in quiet calm centeredness, allows me to be free from the annoying ego for a while. 

This is where my personal crisis begins.  Why am I here?  Why do I not remember who I am or why I chose to come here?  And so the ego starts again with chatter, the endless questions, and the frustration once again.  I look into a Fractal pattern and see myself, feel my endless chaos of beauty and expression.  I AM THE ESSENCE OF CREATION EXPERIENCING MYSELF CREATING.  It’s fun and terrifying blissful and painful all at the same time.  I do feel connected to all living vibration, which is EVERYTHING. 

But I am stuck here in this female skin suit with this irritating inquisitive voice that I think is me, but isn't and for a few more years, I might as well make the most of it and have fun while I'm still here.  I know I do not want to come back here.  I feel like this place is hell.  Why is there no safe place for the innocent?  Why are we food for other beings?  Why are other beings food for us?  Why is there so much suffering?  I do see the light and dark and must say that living in a Polarity world is Hell for me.

I keep kicking my own ass for coming back here.  I do feel like I was tricked into coming here, and I am pissed off at myself on some deep level for this.  Like it all made sense when I was over THERE, getting talked into coming here - but actually being here, doing this - IT'S REALLY HARD AND PAINFUL.

I have had great moments, but seriously, I would have made better pre-planned more loving decisions as far as parents, siblings and intimate relationships for this lifetime.  I must have got a SALE TICKET or something.  I know me well enough, I would have made a better loving choices for myself.  I don't honestly believe I had any choice in the matter.  Do you think those who accidentally die at a young age or commit suicide ask for a refund when they get back?

Yes, I regret my decision to come here.  

This is the core of my suffering, but since I'm still here, I might as well make the most of it.

In my last Ayahuasca ceremony, I did get answers to all of my questions.  The answers made perfect sense when I was there.  The word LOVE could not describe what I felt while I was there.  It was so very much more than that.  I did not want to come back here.  I feel so separated from Source being here.  THIS IS THE CORE OF MY PERSONAL CRISIS.  I feel like it is so very difficult finding home being here in this life experience.  I am friggin tired.  And on and on my ego goes…

I have decided that I get about 20 to 30 more years of this bullshit and then I’m outta here.  There are two people that have died recently that I really appreciate for being alive and creating what they while they were here.  Well, actually there are many, but when I think of Robin Williams and Prince – two amazing beings that I think did a fabulous job of Creating Amazing Wonderful Novelty while they were here.  I guess since I’m stuck here, I might as well do something as awesome but on a smaller scale.  If you knew you only had 1 year to live, what would you do starting today?  Well, I want to live like THAT for the next 30 years!

I come back to this moment new, and every thought and decision and action determines my next creative expression.  I take each thought at a time.  I do the best I can to make the fairest, most ethical, moral, kind, fun, beautiful decisions I can everyday.  I try not to fight too hard for the underdog or kick the ass of those who take advantage or hurt others.  I make many mistakes and have stood up fiercely for what I believe was right.  I am a bold one, it has caused pain and relief.  My Light is very strong.

I am wowed by the beauty that is here.  Life is a wild weird place, but sometimes I just want to take a break.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to be here, but I am going to take a long vacation after this lifetime.  I hope that these last few years of my life, I can experience all of the love, joy, peace and feel the "Home Feeling" better than ever before.  Much better than comfort food, I'm sure.  I will take some time tonight to bathe in these positive feelings inside me and rest a bit to recharge.

Our hearts are all innocent and in need of a safe loving place to fall.
I'M TRYING NOT TO FALL INTO A VAT OF HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE TODAY.

In the end all that seems to make sense is

JUST ACCEPTING MYSELF 
WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW 
AS I AM.