Down 3 more pounds and 2 inches...I've been drinking all day.

Hello Whirld,

I have been off all day today buying tickets in beautiful Guerneville, CA for an epic beer & BBQ event in August called the Stumptown Beer & BBQ Revival.  I went with a very fun dear friend and we have been drinking all day. Yay!  She drank beer, I drank bloody Marys & wine.

It's like stars realigned and somehow I can see what I need to do and can do it - and did.  Here is the quick and dirty list:

·         I went full time KETO and lost 3 pounds and 2 inches in this week. I have decided this is what I am doing full time until I make my next goal. This eating lifestyle Really works for me.  I feel best when I am on it.

·         I started back on the 16/8 fasting protocols and have added butter and MCT Coconut oil to my coffee and blending it in the morning.  It tastes and feels like drinking a rich Cafe Latte and curbs hunger for hours longer than I expected.  I think it's helped me blow through my weight loss stalls.  I really dig it - instant gratification and results, YAY!

·         I finally got an appointment with a surgeon to help me with my breathing problem. My left nasal passage has been obstructed for years I can't breath through my nose at night when I sleep - just look at my nose on my face in photos.  I wake up with a very sore throat everyday.  This is has been hurting my singing voice. I hope to get nasal surgery to open up my nasal cavity and straighten out my nose so I can breath normal again and get a full nights sleep.

·         I am finally getting approved to hormone replacement therapy.  This will make a BIG difference in my emotional eating and peri-menopausal hell no more very soon!

·         I am getting much smaller, you can see it from tonight’s photo here. (I know my coat is huge on me, but I’m half the size I was a year ago, and I have much, much more to lose).  Suzanne (who took this photo) was kind enough to mention my change.  Thanks girl.  I need to take some full body photos soon to do a before and after shots.

  

I stopped by Marvin Gardens in Belmont, CA 
tonight and sat in with the High Water Blues Band.

I have a goal to get down to a size 12 by the end of August for my big back tattoo session.  Let's see how close I get.  

Gained some vacation pounds...getting back on track.

So I was at the Strawberry Music Festival last week.  I remember a year ago sitting on one of the inflatable sofas at my Leopard Lounge camp, as fat as hell and nervous that I was getting on a plane the next day to fly to Mexico and get Bariatric surgery.  Well here I was a year later, sitting on the same couch in the redwoods and 60 pounds lighter, out of pain and feeling full of energy and joy.  It's good to remember how bad I used to feel in comparison.  I was so frustrated, depressed and disappointed in myself and my life.

Having VSG surgery has been one of 

the best decisions I have ever made.

Yikes!  I missed a week posting because I was on vacation.  I had a fabulous time.  Lots of epic camp jams, I forgot my sunscreen down at the main stage so I went back to camp to grab it and found some of my posse jamming, I was able to capture this one at my "Fancy Pants Glamping" the Leopard Lounge camp - BOOMERANG BAR.

I was afraid to get on the scale this morning and yep, I have gained 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I drank and ate all the wrong things for sure while on vacation. I also have been eating more fresh fruit than ever in my life.

I'm on some crazy fresh Pineapple and fresh berry kick, potatoes have been creeping back into my diet and I have not been writing down what I have been eating. I also have not been doing my fasting protocols or keeping my carbs in check. Luckily I only gained 1 inch around my hip area.  I can feel it in my one smaller size jackets.

I have been exercising and have been pain free and more active, so that helps.  But it's the carbs and mostly sugar that I have been indulging in over the past two weeks that got me slipping back into old habits - plus vacation mode, I expected some gains.  I know what I need to do to start getting the weight moving off me again.

I HAVE THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WEIGHT LOSS

DOING THESE FOUR THINGS

1. Begin the 16/8 Intermittent Fasting Protocols again.

2. Go back on a strict Keto/HFLC eating schedule, and test to make sure I am in ketosis to assure success.

3. Exercise everyday for at least 45 minutes. I like walking and hiking and happen to live  near the coast, so this part is easy.  In a pinch, I have the gym with great treadmill and weights.

4. Record what I eat so I can keep track of what I am eating.  This helps me be accountable and on track.

Great beach hiking near by makes it easy to get exercise in.

I made it to my one year VSG mark and I am on track to getting to my goal.  But this last half is slower to come off.  I am happy I have not lost the weight too fast, I have no excess skin issues.  I have given myself two years from the start point of 281 lbs. to get back down to a size 8.  If that is 145 lbs. or higher, I am fine with that.  I just want to learn how to live a healthy lifestyle and maintain a normal healthy weight.  GETTING THERE IS TAKING TIME.

I do struggle with comforting myself with food.  I don't think I want to change that pleasure, but the foods I choose to comfort myself with are the key.  When I have prepared easy to grab low carb snacks handy, I am good to go.  When I am at the office and it's bagel day, cake day or happy hour - I need to have my own food readily available so I don't feel deprived.

I may do some juice fasting to reset my body and start over.  I always feel good when I juice fast for a few days.  I just don't want to go anywhere when I do it.  It's kind of like setting aside quiet time to reconnect with myself and get my head and priorities back in alignment.  I have lots of cleaning and unpacking/repacking of my glamping gear this weekend.  I think it will be a mindful care-loving filled weekend of enjoying being quiet, gentle, structured and make some solid accomplishments around the house and in my body.

Let's see how well I do come the month of June.

Lost one more pound!

It's almost my one year VSG sugary anniversary which will be on May 29th.  I have lost 67 lbs. and 48 inches total so far!

I FEEL GOOD.

I'm heading out to Strawberry Music Festival this week and I am really looking forward to some time off to chill with my friends and listen to some amazing new singer song writers!

The first glamping trip for my West Coast Glamping Community for 2016!

Losing Inches!

I had an interesting shift happen this week.  I have been out of pain and feeling better.  I feel happier and lighter.  I went out dancing and even did some hiking this week.  Also, I feel like whatever mentally was holding me back from getting down another 10 pounds IS GONE.  I think I was holding onto my weight for protection on some level. 

I feel more energy and honestly, 

I feel younger today.

This just makes me happier, and that’s awesome fun.  I notice I am laughing more, doing little things that are kinder and just better, nicer and more patient with myself and others.  I remember how awful I felt before, fat, fatigued, tired, angry, frustrated, depressed, hungry and deprived because I was always on a diet and still not losing weight. I sure don’t feel that way today. 

I eat small amounts of mostly meat and fresh veggies.  I eat eggs a lot.  I try to get as much fat into my diet as possible and keep my daily carbs below 30.  Like, if I order a cheese burger, I don’t eat the bun and I ask for extra lettuce.  If I do eat carbs they will be potato, wine or dark chocolate.

I am losing more inches.  I am into a size 14.  I am on track, but I really and focusing on getting lower than 215 lbs.  My next goal is to get to 213lbs.  

The most recent photo of me and my dear friend
Patricia Mc Gregor, Saturday, May 14, 2016
Taken by Paul Mc Gregor

Better quality of life...

It is so weird, the scale has not changed.  I am still at 217 lbs. but the real tight clothes I could not even come close to buttoning, are easy to wear now.  The body is adjusting to my new weight.  I am far from my goal, but I am happy with the results so far.  From this point out, it has become more of a mental game.  I am proud of my progress and accept myself where I am now.

I also must report some mini miracles.  Yesterday was mothers day.  I went and paid my respects to my sweet late mom at my hill where some of her ashes are buried over looking the Pacific ocean.  In the past I was still too sad to face the loss of her and I could barley hike up the hill to the prime spot, but yesterday I was able to walk up the steep grade without an ache or pain.  It was effortless.  THIS IS HUGE FOR ME.  Not out of breath, not in pain and even today, I am not sore.  I feel her with me in a very positive way.

What an improvement in the quality of my life.  For a big heavy woman who couldn't walk up a flight of stairs without stopping or crumbling to her knees in pain, THIS IS THE BIGGEST JOY EVER!  I feel strong and empowered!  I have been able to let her go and I am okay with it.  I still miss her, but am no longer stunted by grief.

I went to my first Strawberry Music Festival and set-up my glamorous camp last Memorial day weekend. The very next day, May 29th, I flew to Mexico and had VSG surgery.  I have lost almost 70 pounds in a year, but 47 ½  inches total all over me.  I went from a size 28 to a size 16 so far.  My goal was to get to a size 8.  I am not sure what THAT will look like on the scale.  We will see.

I am bringing the Glamp-O-Rama camp back to the Strawberry Music Festival this year (2 weeks from now) and I am half the size I was and am very happy.  I am stronger, happier and ready to chill and party a years worth of hard work and determination to a better quality of life.  

The quality of my life depends on what I acknowledge and focus on.
I CHOOSE JOY & ACCOMPLISHMENT THIS WEEK.  

I'm doing better...

I am at the same weight.  
I didn't lose a pound, but I lost 2 more inches!
It's slow but steady.

I'm shrinking!

Spiritual Crisis & Comforting with food

Here is the part of life after WLS where it gets real and difficult.  I gained 2 pounds since last week, but feel leaner all over.  It’s so weird and frustrating.  My knee is really bothering me again, so the treadmill has been less.  I am almost 11 months VSG Post-Op and here is where the old habits that got me here come back into play in my life.  I struggle with two things.

1. When I am stressed, sad, lonely, angry, happy and celebrating or in need of TLC, I turn to food.  Food has always been there for me.  I love it and need it to survive.  My choices are what get me into trouble.  I have a tiny tummy, so I can’t eat much, but I am aware of my dependence on some foods that give me the feeling of home or love.  This is how I got so heavy in the first place.

2. Sugar is a drug that makes me feel awesome, but when I come down after eating it, my body begins to crave it and I feel out of control. Milk Chocolate in particular and any natural juice, sweet drinks like Orange juice, Cranberry, I could drink Fructose like its water.  I love the stuff.  Any type of sugar is like Crack for me.  I don’t over eat it, but when I do eat it, I feel way too good.  That sort of scares me.  How can something have so much power over me?  I feel like I need help with this.  If I don’t ever eat it, I go crazy feeling deprived.  When I do eat it, I can’t wait for the next time I can.  Sounds like addiction.  I need to find balance somehow.

      These are the two blocks to my weight loss success.  The other issue is, that after a lifetime of dieting, when I feel deprived of something or like I am on a diet, I freak out emotionally.  This is why the only successful eating regime that has worked for me is Low Carb High Fat so far.  I do feel great eating this way, I am not hungry, but I do crave sugar.  It’s like my Kryptonite.

     I am buying every book and have signed up for every WLS support group I can find to get some support.  I even have reached out for a Therapist, I have a couple in mind that specialize in WLS.  It's time to get some support.  Overall, I am actually doing great.  My problem is, I just keep wanting to find meaning in life.  THAT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.  

I have been doing new things to comfort myself instead of food.  I also have been taking time to quiet the mind and meditate lately.  I feel like I am having a sort of spiritual crisis inside.  In my long search for the meaning and purpose of life, the only real Truth I have discovered is one thing.

What is Truth?  Is it true that All there is – IS Being?  I am the electric vibrating frequency of consciousness that creates endless novelty of expression.  Thinking is most certainly the obstacle to being present.  The Ego self is like a voice that never shuts up, always asking WHY?  It’s exhausting.  Meditating in quiet calm centeredness, allows me to be free from the annoying ego for a while. 

This is where my personal crisis begins.  Why am I here?  Why do I not remember who I am or why I chose to come here?  And so the ego starts again with chatter, the endless questions, and the frustration once again.  I look into a Fractal pattern and see myself, feel my endless chaos of beauty and expression.  I AM THE ESSENCE OF CREATION EXPERIENCING MYSELF CREATING.  It’s fun and terrifying blissful and painful all at the same time.  I do feel connected to all living vibration, which is EVERYTHING. 

But I am stuck here in this female skin suit with this irritating inquisitive voice that I think is me, but isn't and for a few more years, I might as well make the most of it and have fun while I'm still here.  I know I do not want to come back here.  I feel like this place is hell.  Why is there no safe place for the innocent?  Why are we food for other beings?  Why are other beings food for us?  Why is there so much suffering?  I do see the light and dark and must say that living in a Polarity world is Hell for me.

I keep kicking my own ass for coming back here.  I do feel like I was tricked into coming here, and I am pissed off at myself on some deep level for this.  Like it all made sense when I was over THERE, getting talked into coming here - but actually being here, doing this - IT'S REALLY HARD AND PAINFUL.

I have had great moments, but seriously, I would have made better pre-planned more loving decisions as far as parents, siblings and intimate relationships for this lifetime.  I must have got a SALE TICKET or something.  I know me well enough, I would have made a better loving choices for myself.  I don't honestly believe I had any choice in the matter.  Do you think those who accidentally die at a young age or commit suicide ask for a refund when they get back?

Yes, I regret my decision to come here.  

This is the core of my suffering, but since I'm still here, I might as well make the most of it.

In my last Ayahuasca ceremony, I did get answers to all of my questions.  The answers made perfect sense when I was there.  The word LOVE could not describe what I felt while I was there.  It was so very much more than that.  I did not want to come back here.  I feel so separated from Source being here.  THIS IS THE CORE OF MY PERSONAL CRISIS.  I feel like it is so very difficult finding home being here in this life experience.  I am friggin tired.  And on and on my ego goes…

I have decided that I get about 20 to 30 more years of this bullshit and then I’m outta here.  There are two people that have died recently that I really appreciate for being alive and creating what they while they were here.  Well, actually there are many, but when I think of Robin Williams and Prince – two amazing beings that I think did a fabulous job of Creating Amazing Wonderful Novelty while they were here.  I guess since I’m stuck here, I might as well do something as awesome but on a smaller scale.  If you knew you only had 1 year to live, what would you do starting today?  Well, I want to live like THAT for the next 30 years!

I come back to this moment new, and every thought and decision and action determines my next creative expression.  I take each thought at a time.  I do the best I can to make the fairest, most ethical, moral, kind, fun, beautiful decisions I can everyday.  I try not to fight too hard for the underdog or kick the ass of those who take advantage or hurt others.  I make many mistakes and have stood up fiercely for what I believe was right.  I am a bold one, it has caused pain and relief.  My Light is very strong.

I am wowed by the beauty that is here.  Life is a wild weird place, but sometimes I just want to take a break.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to be here, but I am going to take a long vacation after this lifetime.  I hope that these last few years of my life, I can experience all of the love, joy, peace and feel the "Home Feeling" better than ever before.  Much better than comfort food, I'm sure.  I will take some time tonight to bathe in these positive feelings inside me and rest a bit to recharge.

Our hearts are all innocent and in need of a safe loving place to fall.
I'M TRYING NOT TO FALL INTO A VAT OF HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE TODAY.

In the end all that seems to make sense is

JUST ACCEPTING MYSELF 
WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW 
AS I AM.