Friday, April 14, 2017

5 pound loss!

Hi All,

I'm better this month.  I got some help at work.  Less stress, yay!  I lost 5 pounds, finally.  I have been eating higher carbs than usual, but I feel balanced.  I am still in full ovarian shut down/menopause since my hysterectomy and still on the HRT patch.  The Climara patch and taking DHEA has been a life saver.  My energy level is higher and I'm happy and grateful for my life.

I feel like a 12 year old girl! 

I am trimming up and feeling sexy and sassy.  My motto this year is, "Don't grow up, it's a trap."  It is really the theme of my life.  I guess it's because I was the oldest of the kids in my family, and dealt with many grown-up serious things as a child.  I feel like I am making up for it now in the last half of my life.  Joy, happiness, silliness and hard work and play are what I'm about now.  

I have been looking on occasionally, and all I see are old geezers in my age range.  It's weird and kinda scary.  How old am I?  I know sexy guys who look old, but are fun and young at heart.  All of them are married a long time, lonely as hell, safe and secure and stuck in a sad purgatory.  I won't date another woman's man.  I want one of my own, who can love me without stifling my independent spirit and can give me room to breath.  Is that even possible?  Are all the good ones taken?  I sure hope not.  I have so much love and affection to give someone.

I'm having a total blast restoring my VW Leopard Lair 1973 T2 Camper Bus.  I bought a heavy duty sewing machine and am learning how to make some cool stuff. I have some events happening this year.  It feels good to be back on a creative track again.  I miss singing and am still looking for a jazz rhythm section for my new jazz music project.  I'm keeping busy and on track.  My weight loss journey has been slow, but steady.  I only weigh myself once a week.  I don't get obsessed about it anymore.  I know my body is changing and adjusting.

I feel beautiful, sexy, and happy.  I think that is what matters, but being at a healthy weight for my height is taking longer than I expected it would after VSG surgery.  I accept myself where I am at this moment, yet I know that the little things I do everyday with food, self care and movement, make the biggest difference in my body long term.


Friday, March 3, 2017

Up and down...

I have been a bit behind in posting my updates. My day job has been so stressful that I have been working day and night and weekends for the past 4 weeks.  They laid off someone and we are short a person while at the same time things have gotten even crazy busier.  I work at a Biotech start-up, so it is intense, but as of 2017 it has become like a meat grinder without any relief in sight.  It has worn me down and I am in serious burn-out.

I wrote a formal letter asking for help.  We met to discuss options. We will see how it goes.  I love the people I work with, and want to stay.  Biotech recruiters have been calling me, and my old company even sent me an email asking how I was doing.  I have not responded.....yet.

I'm in menopause, on an HRT patch.  I haven't walked or exercised in 3 weeks.  My eye started twitching, I am losing sleep and am just physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  I was in deep ketosis since January 1st, and feeling great.  The scale would go up and down, but the inches were melting off me.  The scale not going down feels like I am failing.  I thought I would try a "Carb Nite" to see if it would help trick my body.  This was not a good idea.  I feel awful. Sugar and bread are like a drug.  They make me feel worse than a cheap tequila hangover.  Once you have been off it for a while, then are back on it, you really feel the difference.

I realize for me doing a Keto lifestyle is actually not about weight loss for me like it once was. It's about feeling clear headed, not craving food, or feeling bloated.  Being in ketosis keeps my blood sugar down which helps my mood and my energy levels stay steady throughout the day.  I have more stamina and don't get hungry very often so I can do intermittent fasting for longer periods of time.

Eating high fat has made my skin and hair better and I have lost almost a whole other dress size.  I find that eating Keto (LCHF) is not always easy to do, but allows me to feel physically really good, but I have not lost many pounds. They keep going up and then down.  I am one pound higher than last month, but I am smaller all over.  I am frustrated, but not discouraged.  I don't do well fasting for more than 16 hours at a time. Going any longer than that, triggers my old dieting cycle.  For 30 years I would fast for days, feel freak out deprived, then crazy binge on food.  That is how I ended up so big over time.  Keeping my calories to 1200 a day, and my keto macros dialed in, still the pounds are not going down.  Stress, and more stress.

I am up one pound from last month,
but my tummy is flatter, my waist is smaller.
I am into a woman's size 16, so that is good.

But why is the scale not going down?  I have put my jazz music project on hold, and that is hurting my spirit and soul.  I need time and energy to create and rehearse and work on that part of my life that brings me joy.  If I could survive as a full time vocalist and artist, I would be in my bliss.  I would like to work four days a week and have three days to work on what I love most. These days I get out of bed, go to work non-stop and then go home and go straight back to bed and pull the covers over my head.  I never thought my day job stress would rob me of my passion and joy as much as it is.  It's time for a change.

Take it from me, having my sleeve is saving my ass when it comes to portion size control.  I can't eat very much, but one still has to deal with new ways of comforting, rewarding and soothing yourself, with and without food.  A person can regain the weight they lost after WLS.  Finding a healthy lifestyle food wise that you like and that works for you is key.  I am still trying to figure out how to get to my goal weight and then stay in maintenance.  It is tougher than I thought it would be.  I see all of these other people out there who have successfully made it to their weight loss goals much sooner than I have.  It's going to take as long as it takes.  I won't give up, but my stress level has really taken a toll on me.

My workload has become way too high. We are working on a plan to reduce this.  When you work full-time plus and are not taking good care of yourself to make deadlines, that is when you need to rethink your whole life.  I am.  I just put my foot down.  I have new boundaries.  I am working only 8 hours a day and no longer taking my work home.  I am taking an hour lunch break everyday, which is a chance for me to get out and walk/jog my favorite route.  I must do these things to keep my health and balance intact.  I need to stay grounded, and remember self care during these crazy intense times.  I must find time to be in my creative space every day to feed my soul and express the profound beauty I see in the world in inspiring ways.

I dream of a life where I get to work performing and writing original music, traveling, and writing.  I see myself getting up in the mornings and running/walking on the beach. Doing a morning and yoga meditation practice.  I imagine sharing my life and home with a big fun sexy sweetheart of a man, who gets my weird sense of humor and is not afraid of swimming into the deep end of the pool of the unknown parts of life together.  I bet we would have a cat and a dog and live near the sea.  How do I create this as a reality in my life?

I don't think I will ever actually retire, just once I have the basics taken care of,
I will begin to live a life I was meant to live.

Monday, January 30, 2017

Happy 2017 my friends!

Hi Boy & Girls and Undecided,

It's time to give yall' my monthly progress report.  I had gained a little as expected over my birthday celebrations and the holidays, but am 5 pounds down since my last post.  Yay!

Every morning, I try on this one new cute little winter jacket I bought that I have not been able to fit into, by a long shot...  I mean like it was way too small and no where close to buttoning.  This morning I was able to button the top button.  That is what's a trip about a ketogenic diet. You lose more inches than pounds.

My Ketonix breath tester broke and I am sending it back to be repaired.  I have been using the ketone test strips and they show that I am in deep ketosis.  It gives me reassurance I'm on track, and the jacket proves it.  Once I am in deep ketosis, it feels like I am losing around one to two inches all over per week.  It's crazy amazing.

More than anything, I feel good on many levels eating ketogenic lifestyle.  I know it's not for everyone, but it really works for me, especially with a tiny tummy.  My head is clear, my gut is calm, I sleep better.  I don't have cravings like I used to.  I am not hungry every 3 hours like I used to be.  I feel more grounded emotional and energetically great.  I am on track. Keto is the best thing besides my sleeve that I have ever done for my overall health!  My sleeve helps me not overeat. Eating keto, helps me feel awesome everyday!

My goal is to keep losing an average of one pound per week on Keto until I reach my goal weight, to get down between 145 - 155 lbs. long term and than maintenance after that.  That means in 19 months, I should be at 155 lbs.  It's slow but steady.  I am glad I found a food lifestyle that makes me feel good, where I don't feel deprived, can drink hard alcohol on the weekends and eat bacon whenever I want. : )

I make it a point to not drink Monday - Thursdays, but Friday is my party night.  I live in San Francisco, and the options are endless here for fun. When I order a drink in a bar, it's Champagne, Prosecco or a nice glass of Malbec wine or my go to is Cuba Libra Diet for happy hour.  I do love vodka. I am a Grey Goose Le Citron Martini girl.  I am not on a diet, I am living a Keto Lifestyle, so being able to live and do pleasurable things including drinking on some weekends, makes my lifestyle enjoyable and sustainable.  When I go to some parties, I have been known to bring my own organic sugar-free cocktail mixers.

I am aware that other Sleevers out there have had much more weight loss than me and faster.  I am okay with where I am and trust in my process.  I am learning as I go.  Fat fasting and intermittent fasting protocols have been helpful to blow through a weight loss plateau.

I also wanted to report that since my full hysterectomy 4 months ago and the experience of being in full ovarian shut down even after keeping my healthy ovaries, being on the HRT patch has most likely helped and hindered my progress.  Hormones play a huge role in ones metabolism and well being.  I am feeling balanced, happy. I am not having mood swings, night seats, hot flashes or depression at all.

It's all about quality of life.  I know I'm at an age where I am in full bloom, and my petals may begin so slowly fall off for the next 30 years so to speak.  Accepting and loving myself as I morph into each phase of me and role I choose to create to express me with from here on out, it's all about the quality of each moment. THE QUALITY OF LIFE.  For me that requires, Music, Art and Debauchery with wonderful people to share it all with!

My weight-loss journey was not about food.  It's been about finding new ways to comfort and soothe myself, accept my body and love myself where I am at, flaws and all.  

Over all, it's been about creating a life I don't need to take a vacation from. This means I have developed good solid boundaries and have learned how to say no.  Managing the stress and still working full time while I pursue my hearts passion of jazz, glamping and designing. They bring me joy.

I am being patient with myself and compassionate, but I am not slacking either.  Part of trusting oneself is about earning respect and actually following through with your goals, and celebrating your own personal victories.  These have been the keys to a happier life.  I want to thank you for following along with me on this journey.  I wish you luck with your new goals for 2017.

It's all a big experiment, this thing we call life.  If you find something that works for you, stick with it.  I know for me, if it's convenient, I will do it.  I have been drinking 32 ozs. of water daily, and that was something I never did in 2016.   Your focus and intention creates your way.


Friday, December 2, 2016

Holidays, Birthdays & Fat Asses

Hi All:

I regained the weight I lost.  My hormones are all fucked up do to what I ate over the Thanksgiving holiday, HRT and I have been struggling with my weight-loss, but I am feeling good mood wise, not having the menopausal arthritis as much (my knees are better than they were, but bad enough that I have a tough time getting up the stairs this week), I'm still trying to find balance and get back on track.  

I am doing great after my recent hysterectomy, and now with the ovarian shutdown, am trying to manage the full on throws of menopause.  Yes ladies, even if you keep your precious ovaries intact, you can still go straight to menopausal hell. I am finding my way through it okay.  I feel young at heart more than ever. I am full of energy.  I am still pinching myself daily because I was suffering so badly for so long, feeling this good now is a miracle for me.  I am in need of getting my head straight on a daily basis and got off track.  I love YouTube and following my friends there.

If you need motivation to get back on track, here is one of my favorite HONEST and hilarious YouTube Channels: ScottTheTruckDriver  He is sort of the Man's man of weight-loss success. I adore his sense of humor and knowledge, but mostly his honesty in what he has tried out on himself and what has and has not worked for him. He delivers his truth like a Real Truck Driver, because he is one! LOL!  He also is an amazing photographer.

Here is his latest video:

He has great success with Fat Fasting to guarantee he gets into ketosis and then blows through his weight-loss plateaus with ease.  He inspires me.  I am finding it is all about convenience and routine for me.  First, I don't like cooking during the weekdays, so finding the secrets to keto-take-out have been key for me, with my work life style.  Second, emotions and stress are a huge factor in my eating. 

This is why I love the ketogenic diet lifestyle.  I don't ever feel deprived. But sugar is my drug of choice.  Once I eat it, I spiral out of control and then feel like crap.  I am experimenting with making some things that are sugar free to help me with this psychological, emotional part of my world.

The truth for me is, it starts right now.  I am one of those people who can pick up a pint of ice cream and eat it while saying to myself, "I will start back on track tomorrow."  and keep saying that week after week until I get fat, avoid the evil scale in the morning and keep my head buried in the pile of sugar deep enough, so I won't come to my senses and get off the ride that is making me sick.  BEING IN THE NOW, is key to everything really.  

Depression is being in the past, Anxiety is being in the future, Being Here Right Now is all that actually IS. Every decision we make in this moment determines our path.  

Even a very small change right now makes a huge change long term.  Think of a plane headed for a destination.  If it changes just 1 or 2 degrees, it will end up completely somewhere else long term.  Think of this when you get hungry or thirsty. I know where I want to go, yet people like Scott and myself are learning and experimenting on how to get there. This is what this blog is all about.

I can love and accept myself where I am right now, but I want to feel and look better.  Being the best me I can be, increases my energy and attitude.  Makes me think better and be a better expression of me.  Every person has a light and a dark side. When we can except both parts fully within ourselves, you can come to the realization that you aren't really your body, or your ego - You are this electric light body walking around in a meat suit.  

I discovered that I need to manage the meat suit better, and the biology of that process really messes with the emotions.  This realization helps me often because I have been able to pop out of my body with full awareness, including senses.  I'm still experimenting with this, but it gives me comfort to know that I am not stuck in my body or this 3rd dimensional matrix.  I am not a "Faith" based person.  FUCK THAT SHIT, I will boldly go and find out the truth all on my own first hand. 

But the body is still my vessel and I like being in it.  I love pleasure and feeling good, out of pain and love it when during a fast, MY BRAIN BECOMES SHARP AND CLEAR.  This is where hormones, balance and knowing what works for your body and lifestyle are so important to the quality of your life experience.  You want to enjoy all of the wonderful pleasures of life, but not fuck yourself up in the process. IT'S A SKILL TO FIND SUCH BALANCE.

Every body and person is unique and only you can figure out what works for you, based on how you feel and the results you get.  This is why I dig Scott the Truck Driver so much.  He is putting himself out there and we get to follow along.  I am doing that here.  We have ups and downs, and this holiday season can be tough for those trying to lose their fat asses.

I find that if I have food I like that is easy to grab, I stay on track.  My birthday is next week, then Christmas, New Years...the food, and parties are endless! I will take it a day at a time.  I will indulge on the weekends, and manage during the weekdays. I wish you success and very happy holidays along your weight-loss journey.  ENJOY BEING FULL IN THE MOMENT.  If you do decide to eat something off your plan, really savor it!  Be fully in your body and allow all of your sensual pleasure to engulf you completely!  LIVE & LOVE BEING ALIVE!  

Love who you are with!  Laugh, Love & Live Fully, you are getting closer to death every second.  When you are at the end of your time here, will you look back at your life and say you enjoyed every moment you could of it fully?  You can trust yourself.  You can find the balance you are seeking.  You can live in that balance and fully....

Friday, November 18, 2016

Happy Thanksgiving Week!

I lost 2 pounds this week and right before the big Thanksgiving holiday.  Lots of parties coming soon.  I have not  been hard core Keto, just eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.  When I say full, I mean that first feeling of full.  I don't like feeling sick.  When you have a tiny tummy and you are really hungry, you can make mistakes.

Either you eat to fast and feel sick, or you eat the wrong things that won't sustain you and you feel icky.  When I eat protein first (Eggs, meat high in fat etc.) and then veggies, I feel good for hours. The amount is small, so doing takeout is actually easy with a VSG LCHF lifestyle.  But don't be fooled, you can eat slowly and eat a lot of calories.  This is where sugar and flour can be the obstacle to your weight loss success.

I find that not depriving myself a bite of something has helped me more psychologically from feeling deprived and craving or feeling guilt or obsessed about "forbidden foods'. I say there are no forbidden foods. Everything in moderation, but sugar and flour are as addictive as any hardcore drug out there. I feel better when I don't eat them, but they sure taste good.  The buzz from eating them, feels great for a short time. Then comes the icky feeling.  It's remembering the icky feelings is what makes it easier to eat what is best for me first.

This is what's makes having VSG surgery so valuable if you had problems stopping eating.  Make those bites count.  Enjoy what you are eating, emotionally and physically. You will find what works for you and your body.  TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR PROCESS.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday week and I'll follow-up with yall' soon.

May your Thanksgiving holiday be full of excitement.


Friday, November 11, 2016

Smooth sailing...

I am feeling better. My doctor raised the Estrogen dosage on my HRT patch and the joint pain has gone away.  I am also supplementing with DHEA, Neuro Clarity and Pregnenolone.  I'm sleeping better and my mood is great.  I am feeling smooth sailing ahead. 

Still stuck at the current weight, and feeling kind of bloated.  The holidays are here and I am just going to enjoy them. Thanksgiving, my birthday Crab Feast, Christmas and New Years Eve.  My goal is to drop another 60 pounds and add weight training to my weekly routine of cardio.  Having the tiny tummy has made all of the difference in maintaining my weight.  I just can't eat that much.

I did drink a beer the other night, but it was not easy to do.  The carbonation is too much to take.  Champagne has that same effect.  I am having a hard time staying on Keto.  I am feeling much better. One step at a time.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Fuckity, fuck.

I am not losing weight and we think that is may be due to my hormone replacement therapy patch.  It appears that my ovaries have shut down and I have entered into full menopause due to my hysterectomy.  I hear this happens. The weirdest part that no one saw coming was, I am experiencing what is called Menopausal Arthritis in all of my joints, especially my knees.  I hurt all over.  

My ovaries are intact, but I am experiencing ALL Of these weird symptoms. I am out of the horrible pain I was living with for years with uterine fibroids, but now feel like an 80 year old woman who can barely make it up and down a flight of stairs.  Fuckity, fuck.

It seems my choices are like this right now, Stay stuck half way to my weight loss goal and be a much more pleasant person on HRT with the patch as I go through the transition of life, or I stop taking the hormone patch and continue to make it to my weight loss goal but be a complete bitch the entire time. 

I am taking glucosamine, tumeric, along with all of the other supplements I take now.  I also am using Topricin Pain Relief Cream on my joints when it gets really bad. I am doing my best in choosing low carb anti-inflammatory diet to see if I can manage the joint pain and bust through this weight loss plateau, but I am certainly taking it a day at a time.  I am working with my doctor and for the sake of sanity, stay on the patch. We will see how it goes.